


valentine

by flipthescript



Series: valentine [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:22:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25457716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipthescript/pseuds/flipthescript
Summary: jj can't seem to sleep without thinking of all her regrets and mistakes made with someone she shouldn't even be thinking of in the first place.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Series: valentine [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1843930
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	1. it's 4am and i can't sleep

**Author's Note:**

> warning for slight internalized homophobia & a bit of nsfw (not graphic but there will be a lot of references & mentions of it)

The bright red led lights on her alarm clock read 4 AM when she turned over for what was atleast the hundredth time that night. Usually, when she was tossing and turning at night he would be there in bed with her and he would groan and tell her in that heavy accent of his that she needed to get some rest. It never made her fall back asleep, but she appreciated the effort.

But as of right now, the big bed that was usually occupied by two and sometimes three, when the little one would come into their room at ungodly hours of the night, was cold and empty. A pain in her chest rose when she remembered that her husband was away on some case, and her son was at her mother's for the week.

Jennifer was alone.

She stared at the alarm clock, watching the seconds tick by. Normally, she would have her husband as a distraction when her brain wandered off. She would have him to snap back when her brain drifted off to a certain black-haired agent, but not now.

After some time had passed, she realized it was now 4:15 am and it hit her that she wouldn't be able to fall back asleep now. So, she sighed and pulled herself up and brought her knees to her chest. She leaned her head against the headboard and stared off into space.

She thought about her, she thought about how right now the older woman would be holding her close against her chest with one hand in her hair and the other on her waist. She thought about how right now she would be whispering sweet nothings to her as an effort to get her to fall back asleep, and it always worked. She thought about how right now the bed wouldn't be so empty and she wouldn't feel so alone and small.

JJ smiled softly, knowing exactly what the agent would be doing if they weren't in bed together right now.

She would be watching Law & Order and guessing all the endings wrong, and JJ would laugh because-

"How are you an FBI agent but can't even figure out these fake tv show cases?"

She could picture it, that smile. She could picture Emily smiling down at her and stroking her hair. She could picture the love that filled the woman's eyes when she locked eyes with JJ. She could picture her leaning down, even though they both knew it hurt her back like hell, just to kiss JJ.

Her heart ached at the thought.

Deep down, she knew she shouldn't be thinking like this- thinking about all the times her and Emily had been together behind her husbands back, but she couldn't help it.

She should be thinking and fantasizing about her husband, the man she married, the father of her child but everytime she tried her mind would just wander back to the secret she kept from him for so long.

Even though it was all just hookups that were supposed to be 'no strings attached' and 'meaningless', JJ knew she had been deeply in love with her all along and she knew Emily felt the same.

Because after sex, you don't grab the woman's hand when she gets up out of bed and give her puppy-dog eyes, silently begging her to stay for just a minute longer, if it's supposed to not mean anything.

You don't dream about her in the sickest ways instead of your own husband who's lying next to you late at night, if it's supposed to not mean anything.

You don't go on multiple dates with her and call it 'hanging out', if it's supposed to not mean anything.

JJ knew throughout the months the two had been together behind Will's back that it was all wrong and shameful, but she couldn't help herself.

Even though the voice in the back of her brain yelled at her everytime the pair had finished and told her how disgusting she was, she still came crawling back to Emily.

She knew it especially in the shower, when she would cry for hours in it, trying to wash away all of her built up guilt and repressed feelings and thoughts. 

She knew all along that this would backfire and things would have to change, whether between her and Emily or her and her husband, soon. She just didn't think it would be between her and the woman she had been sleeping with for so long.

She should've seen it, at her wedding, when Emily stared at her the entire time across the floor. She should've seen what was coming, since she saw the pain in the raven-haired woman's eyes throughout the entire night. JJ didn't even have the courage to go up and talk to Emily, much less realize what was going to happen.

She didn't think that later that night, after Emily rolled off top of her and stared deep into her eyes, would be their last time together. 

But it was, and it didn't hit JJ until maybe a week after Emily had left that she should have cherished that night more. She should have clung onto Emily for just a little while longer, stare into her eyes just a few seconds more, and kissed her with far more passion than she did.

She also should've mentioned she was hopelessly in love with her and wished that earlier that night, she was marrying the woman on top of her instead of the man she claimed she loved.

But she didn't, and it was all too late by the time she watched Emily get on that plane to London, not knowing if and when she'd be back.

JJ felt her eyes fill up with tears when she thought about when Emily told her she was leaving. She remembered how she couldn't even look the blonde in the eyes while saying she was moving thousands of miles away. She remembered how Emily flinched ever so slightly when JJ raised her voice at her, which she had never done before that exact moment. She remembered begging Emily to stay, telling her she would get an annulment with Will and that she was in love with Emily and has been all this time.

She remembered Emily not believing her and telling her that she was leaving no matter what, and she didn't care to hear the rest of Jennifer's sob stories.

She shook herself out of her thoughts and wiped away her tears. Her heart ached everytime she thought about that moment. It hurt her knowing she couldn't get the older woman to believe her, and maybe just _maybe_ if she had said one thing different- Emily would be here with her right now, laying next to her and cuddling her.

JJ sighed and grabbed her phone. She opened up the contacts app and scrolled till she saw Emily's name. Her thumb hovered over the contact name and she bit her lip.

One part of her wanted to press call and hope to God she would pick up, just so Jennifer could hear her voice after so long. 

The other part of her knew it would be a waste of time and she didn't want Emily to think of her as desperate, so she stopped herself before she did something stupid and tossed her phone away from her.

She missed her more than she'd care to admit. She missed her voice and how deep it was, and how gentle it would get in her ear when they laid in bed at night. She missed her hair and how soft and silky it felt when she'd run her fingers through it. She missed her smile and how wide it got when JJ woke up in her arms with droopy eyes and messy hair. She missed her warmth and how she would come up from behind her and wrap her arms around her waist.

God, did she miss Emily.

She missed everything about her. She longed for her at every second of every day, even when Will would kiss her, JJ imagined it was Emily against her lips. She knew it was wrong but she couldn't help it.

Jennifer sighed when she looked over at the clock and saw that over two hours had passed. All this time she had been thinking about Emily, and didn't even realize it. She wished that she had done things differently then right now, she wouldn't be exhausted out of her mind and longing for her ex co-worker and lover.

So many 'what-ifs' had ran through her brain. What if she had just never married Will? What if she had gotten the annulment anyways just to prove to Emily that she wanted her? What if she never started her fling with Emily in the first place?

It was too late now, but she still wishes she had done so many things differently. She hates herself everyday for screwing everything up. She knew that this was never going to end well, but she didn't think it would end with Emily leaving her all together.

She thought that it would be bad if and when it did end, but she didn't think it would be _so_ bad that she'd be crying herself to sleep almost every night for a woman that was out of her life. 

It hurt JJ everyday, knowing she's the reason everything is the way it is now. It hurt her in more ways than she could even explain, but she would never let it show. She'd just bury it down and repress her feelings, just like how she did months ago when she was crying out Emily's name but going back home to her husband and lying about where she'd been. Just like how she'd keep telling herself she didn't love Emily and was in love with Will, but knew she would much rather be laying in her arms than his.

Jennifer laid back in bed and decided to at least try and get any amount of sleep she could. She knew she wouldn't though, and knew that if she did she'd probably just dream about _her_. She closed her eyes before more tears could escape, and the last thought she had was-

She should've known this wouldn't go the way she thought.


	2. it's 5am and i can't sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jj can't seem to sleep without thinking of all her regrets and mistakes made with someone she shouldn't even be thinking of in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for slight internalized homophobia & a bit of nsfw (not graphic but there will be a lot of references & mentions of it)

5 AM. Bright red lights. Blinding her vision- for the second night in a row.

The blonde narrowed her eyes at the small alarm clock on her bedside table. She wanted to reach out and grab it and hurl it at the wall out of anger, but she couldn't.

Not because she didn't want to, _no_ , she had the urge to smash it into a billion little pieces but she remembered that it was a gift from Emily and knew her heart couldn't take that.

So, instead, she huffed and rolled over so she wouldn't have to keep staring at it and letting her frustration grow more. 

Now with the reminder of _her_ back in her head, JJ knew she wouldn't be getting much sleep tonight. She laid there, staring into the dark nothingness of her room. She remembered the moment Emily gave her the stupid alarm, and as much as she wants to stomp on it at this very moment- she smiled a little at the memory.

JJ was sitting at her desk in her office at work, mind set on getting files written off and finished. She was so focused that she almost didn't hear the slight knock on her door and turn of the doorhandle.

She looked up and was met with Emily, who had the biggest and stupidest grin on her face. God, that smile of hers could _kill_.

"Got you something!" The dark haired girl chirped happily. She shut the door and was practically skipping over to the younger woman.

Jennifer analyzed her carefully. She was obviously hiding something behind her back and was shaking out of pure excitement. The sight melted her heart.

"What did you get me?" She asked and cocked her head. She set her pen down and rested her chin in her hand, genuinely curious what the woman in front of her was so excited to give to her.

Emily's smile somehow grew even wider as she pulled the gift from behind her. A small box, wrapped in tan paper with a string tied over it. JJ looked between the older woman and the present and cocked an eyebrow.

Emily pouted a bit and gestured it towards her. 

JJ gave a curious grin and took it, and noticed something more. 

Wedged under the string was a polaroid picture of the two girls in bed together, sheets covering them while they touched noses. Their hair was messy and they both looked a wreck.

The blonde blushed at that, remembering the exact moment. She glanced up at Emily and smiled, then slowly undid the string and ripped away the paper.

Another box.

JJ groaned and stared up at the other girl. It was her turn to pout now.

"Is this just gonna be some sick joke of me opening up more and more boxes or is there an actual present somewhere?" She asked, shaking it slightly to try and hear anythinf

Emily smirked down at JJ.

"Guess you'll just have to open it to find out." She teased and leaned against the desk.

JJ quickly got the box open and eagerly pulled out the gift.

"An alarm clock..?" She questioned and stared at Emily.

"Yeah! I thought it would be helpful since you don't use one and just hope you wake up and since you don't like my ringtone..." Emily trailed off.

JJ looked a bit taken aback. No one ever really thought of her in this way, not even Will. The only gifts he got her were flowers and a card.

"Do you not like it? 'Cause the I have the receipt, I can take it back if you want..I just thought it'd be useful." Emily said, clearly embarassed.

The blonde stood up immediately and crossed over to meet the other woman. She set the alarm clock down on her desk and took Emily's hands in her own.

"Hey, I love it." JJ reassured her and looked into her eyes, smiling gently. "You're so sweet, the sweetest, and it was so thoughtful of you to buy this. I appreciate it, Em, I really do. No one has ever thought so much about me when getting me a gift. I promise, I love it and I _will_ be using it."

Emily stared back at Jennifer and smiled, leaning in to kiss her softly. The blonde returned the kiss, smiling into it.

Emily pulled back and grabbed the alarm clock, setting it to the right time. 

"There we go! Should we name him? He can be like..our kid or something." Emily joked, not even realizing what she had said.

Jennifer paused and then smiled at the thought. "Hmm." She tapped her finger on her chin and put on a thinking face.

"Blackbird." JJ finally said.

Emily perked up and grinned, nodding her head in agreement.

Jennifer smiled. She had even kept the wrapping paper and string, being tucked away somewhere in her closet.

The polaroid was in a locked cabinet in her desk at the BAU, and she'd always open it up after a tough case when she needed a smile to help her keep going.

She shook her head and shut her eyes, deciding right then and there she would try and sleep. She started to count sheep, going by 2s instead of 1s.

It didn't last long, though, because she heard Emily's voice in her head telling her that counting by sheep was a myth and didn't really work. So, she opened her eyes and flipped over again to stare at her alarm clock.

It's like the clock was laughing at her or silently teasing her about how she couldn't sleep because she was whipped for a woman that's in a whole other country. JJ made a face at the small device, acting as if it were a real person mocking her.

She flipped over to her backside this time and stared up at the ceiling, hoping her boredom would put her to sleep.

It didn't, it only made her mind wander back to _the_ agent.

Soon enough, she was off thinking about what their mornings together consisted of. It was a lot of cuddling and whispers and soft laughs. It was a lot of unshared feelings and thoughts and looks. It was a lot of shame and guilt and misery.

But Jennifer would do anything to get it back.

She thought about how Emily always looked stunning, post-sex hair and all. She loved her hair and in more ways than one.

She loved playing with it whenever she got the chance. She adored the feeling of her fingers going through the smooth, silky hair. She loved braiding it for her while the older woman rambled on about some case they had just finished. She loved tugging and pulling at it in bed when she had nothing else to ground herself on.

Her favorite thing about Emily's hair, though, would have to be the few pieces that stood up every morning. The ones JJ could hear Emily yell at in the bathroom when they wouldn't stay down after she brushed them over and over again. The ones that always made Emily look like a complete dork every single morning. The ones that never stood down and if they did, a celebration was in order.

JJ always messed with it, which only made Emily more frustrated. Sometimes, the blonde would help Emily by putting barrettes in to try and calm it. Emily couldn't stand them, but Jennifer found them cute- especially on the dark haired girl and who's Emily to say no to that pouting face in the mirror?

Jennifer looked at the alarm clock and it reminded her of another 'Emily' thing she did.

Before the current alarm clock and it's loud, blaring noise, the two women were woken up to somehow an even **worse** alarm.

The even _louder_ chorus of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' by Nirvana.

Emily loved it, because it was her favorite band while JJ on the other hand would chuck her pillow at Emily's phone and groan.

What was even worse was the fact that it didn't work, at all. Neither of the two would actually wake up and it would be hours until they even said good morning to each other. The song would continue to play for hours at different set times, and each time was the same situation.

"Emilyyy!" JJ dragged out her name, whining and pushing into the half-asleep woman next to her.

Emily shushed her and just squeezed her eyes tighter, tuning out the loud rock and the squeals coming from the blonde.

That was until Jennifer sat up and reached over her and shut her phone off, the song ending on a blunt note.

"Hey!" Emily mumbled and looked up at the sneering blonde.

JJ laughed. "Well if you weren't going to do anything about it, someone had to." She stated with a small shrug.

"It's a good song!" Emily said back, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and yawning.

"Yeah sure, to people like _you_!" JJ giggled and laid her head down on Emily's chest.

The raven-haired woman looked into the blue eyes staring up at her. "What's that supposed to mean?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

JJ only smirked. "It's not a good ringtone, it completely ruins my whole morning!" She whined.

"But it gets you up and shocks your system, it's helpful and it's doing the job." Emily argued back.

"Yeah it shocks me and the rest of the neighborhood, Em." JJ scoffed.

"Well you don't seem to mind it when it's going off for an hour while we're lying here cuddling." Emily retorted.

Jennifer blushed at that, not wanting to admit the older girl was right.

"What can I say? You're a good distraction." JJ smiled wide and leaned up, pressing her lips against Emily's.

JJ turned back and smiled to herself. She missed moments like those, when she was all trapped up in Emily and only Emily. She never got moments like that with Will, he just wasn't like that.

Emily was just different in every way possible, and it's not like JJ didn't love Will- she did. 

But there was something more about Emily, something so much more. Will didn't make JJ melt like the agent did, and he didn't give her butterflies in the pit of her stomach just by looking at her.

It was all Emily.

It all felt so strange to Jennifer, how months ago she was sleeping with Emily whenever she had the chance and everything was good and how she liked it.

And now? Now it was different, _too_ different. She was alone now. 

Alone in a way that made her heart ache when she'd be sitting at her desk at work and glance out her blinds and not see Emily sitting on a desk, talking it up with a fellow coworker of hers.

Alone in a way that made tears fill her eyes when Garcia mentions Emily and JJ has to excuse herself from debriefing a case or else she'd going to burst into tears in front of everyone.

Alone in a way that made her start to become distant from everyone else, even her own friends and husband.

Alone in a way like these past nights where she can't sleep because all she can think of is Emily and _only_ Emily, when she's laying in that big empty bed and it just hits her like a train out of nowhere.

All these months just keep on passing and she's _gone_. Miles and miles away. Oceans away.

And it's not like Jennifer can't just call her up, she can, but she knows the two will both be disappointed after the call ends and she really does not want to deal with any more heartache than she already does.

It's all taking quite a toll on her and she doesn't even know who to tell. No one knew what they were doing except for them.

Her loneliness was slowly eating her alive and there was no way out of it.

There is always a question that comes to the blonde's mind, though. It was the one question she wanted to ask Emily if she ever had the courage to call her.

JJ always wanted to ask Emily if she's happy where she is now.

It's such a loaded question, but it was _killing_ her not knowing the answer. She wanted to know if this was _really_ what the woman wanted, wanted to know if she was the happiest she had ever been, wanted to know if it's any different than being back with JJ- back home.

She thought about how years from now, Emily would probably be in a whole new country. She'd be far far away and JJ would just be a silly memory in the back of her brain.

The girl felt a tug at her heartstrings at the thought.

JJ felt tears well up in her eyes as she stared at the ceiling, trying desperately to calm herself down.

She sniffled and wiped away her tears even though she knew more would just fall regardless. She looked over at the clock and squinted, her tears now starting to blur her vision.

Two hours. Another two hours are gone and wasted.

The blonde laid back down and wrapped herself up in the blankets, wishing Emily was holding her tight and close at that very moment.

The last words she mumbled before she passed out were-

"I still think in a million years I'll wonder where you are."

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first cm fic (although i'm planning on writing more, i will most likely only write abt jemily) so i hope it's not all that bad? it's loosely based off of one of my favorite songs called 'Valentine' by Preston Max Allen (you can find it on youtube)  
> this will be a short, three chapter long fic that goes over the course of three days in each chapter & each chapter will be based around certain parts of the song.  
> i hope y'all enjoyed this & i apologize for the rushed and messy ending, i'm the worst at them.  
> [my tumblr is jareausgf and my twitter is fiipthescript if you want to send any requests, concerns, criticism, or questions!]


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